Good Intentions Run A muck – Christine

multiple personalities, dissociative identity disorder, mpd, did

When I first started writing it was in the form of journaling. One of my Alters was integrating and I was devastated. I had just come out publicly about my internal gang and within a year Alter Hope was leaving me. At the time I couldn’t rationalize why this was happening to her, to me, to us. Beyond my own sense of grief was a tragic sense of loss. I couldn’t imagine my own life without Hope and realized that she would fade (integrate) and only a select few knew anything about her. So I started to write a tribute to Hope. It never crossed my mind to write a book. I just wanted to honor her life.

It was months after she integrated that the gang and I started tossing around the idea of writing our story. Less than two years later, ‘I am WE’ was published. That same year we were interviewed by local channel 5 news station. Another year went by and we learned that our local community college was using our book in their psych classes! We were meeting people right and left. We were hearing from people across the world. It was so exciting and yet down right terrifying. Alter Tristan had visions of Oprah or Ellen. We did get a call from a national T.V. show, that wanted to interview us, but it never came to fruition. Tristan was so bummed, but to tell you the truth, my husband Christopher and I were so very relieved. It was all too much too fast. I wanted to make a difference in peoples’ lives and I wanted to help educate others on our condition, but in the end I couldn’t keep up with the correspondence. There is so much need out there for people with this condition. So many people who felt they were alone and heard our story. The courage they had to reach out and connect and in the end I wasn’t able to be their support. As the comments and correspondence increased, I began to pull away. I got frightened. Alters, SHE, Tristan and Q tried to keep up and reply to all who had contacted us, but there were so many that we didn’t get back too.

Through this ordeal, others were hurt. People felt slighted or insignificant. That was never my intention (our intention) We were touched by each and every person that shared their stories or just wanted to say “Hi.”

I guess this entry is a way to honor all those who are trying to find their own way through mental illness be it D.I.D or so many other conditions. Keep reaching out. Keep talking and let your voices be heard.

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